We’re continuing our discussion about having awesome relationships and this week’s article is straight-up one of the BEST practices you can use immediately to deepen and strengthen ALL of your relationships!

But first, I’d like to thank all of you for your incredible support with this group and Master Motivators! The new friends, the old friends – THANK YOU! You Are Tremendous!!!

Now, in the post “Relationships – Think Before You Speak”, we talked about the importance of checking in with both ourselves and the person we’re about to talk to. Simply put - making sure our mindsets are in a good spot for the exchanging of thoughts and feelings. Remember the question to ask? Yes, “Is now a good time to talk?” Have you tried it yet?

With relationships, depending on with whom we’re talking about, at the end of the day we want to feel loved, understood, respected, trusted, and appreciated right? Well, maybe not “loved” by our boss and coworkers, but at least accepted. Well my friend, the path to earning those feelings is by communicating them. We have to become MASTER COMMUNICATORS!

So, what I’m about to share with you will have an IMMEDIATE positive impact in ALL of your relationships! Are ya ready for it?

You MUST become an excellent listener! “Huh….whadda he sayyyy???”

With so much going on around us, and the barrage of information being thrown at us from every angle, it’s really hard to pay attention isn’t it? Check this out:

We talk at a rate of 130 words per minute

We can listen and understand about 400 words per minute

But, our minds can think at 1,000 words per minute

These figures easily show there’s lots of idle time in the brain to get ourselves into trouble. Ever been smacked upside the head for not listening? You’re sitting there, trying your best to stay focused, but the shiny object in the room snags your attention. Then, when you least expect it, your loved one shrieks two octaves and says “Did YOU hear a word I JUST said?” Then, you reply, in your most loving and oh crap I’ve been outted voice - “Yes dear!” Now the gamble begins. Will they ask me what they said or am I’m safe this time? Not this time I’m afraid!

“Okay smarty pants tell me what I just said!” Quickly, your eyeballs roll up as if to search the dry erase board in the sky only to see it’s blank and you stammer out “ummm…you said…umm….and then….Ummm.”  

Ohhh how I wonder how many breakups started with the phrase “You just don’t care! You never pay attention to a word I say!” You see, it’s about being engaged in the moment and shutting everything else out of your mind. And, coming from a guy who has bionic ADHD, it’s extremely challenging, but definitely achievable.

Aim First Then Shoot – Not The Other Way Around!

So, what’s going on in your brains during this idle time? I’ll tell ya - we’re busy formulating our reply and haven’t even finished listening to what’s STILL being said! It’s like we are waiting for the communication merry-go-round to slow down just enough so we can jump on and take over the ride. Sound familiar? We need to have patience!!! NEVER assume you’ve got the whole message by just piecing together a few words you caught here and there. You’re seriously asking for trouble!

True listening takes focus, patience and practice. If we don’t feel like someone’s listening what do we do? Yeah, we close up and keep stuff to ourselves right? Why bother saying anything because we feel that no one even cares.  This causes bigger problems when our boiling point reaches maximum pressure and erupts like the Iceland volcano! Or worse, we implode, no one notices, and we exist in a life of constant agony. Doesn’t that suck?

So what can WE do?

- Paraphrase – repeat back what you believe you understood

- Body language – stop what you’re doing, look them in the eyes, nod and smile

- Ask clarifying questions – “So, tell me more about that…” “What was going through your mind at that moment?”

By the same token, if you feel someone isn’t getting it and is afraid to ask, or has faded away, simply offer “In other words…” or “Let me put it another way” to see if that provides them more understanding. As a last result, start talking in a made up language to see if they notice!

In a nutshell, really make people feel special (understood, respected, and appreciated) by genuinely listening to them and you’ll be amazed by what happens in your life!

All my best,

Christopher